Family?

Family.
One word, six letters, a million meanings.
What does Family mean to you.  I'm going to try and put into words what Family is to me.

Ask anyone who knows me and they will tell you that I may have been born in the wrong time period.  Growing up I wanted so much for life to be like the TV show Happy Days or the movie Grease (my favorite, by the way!).  Hard-working dad, doting mom, happy siblings and friends that become part of your family.  Poodle skirts and leather jackets optional, but the singing is required.  Oh to sing & perform for a good time, what fun!

I have a dad who worked a lot, a mom that worked too, an older sister and younger sister.  Perfect, the ideal family, right?  Ummmm....no.  My older sister and I are a year and a half apart bringing sibling rivalry to a whole new level.  My little sister is five years younger than me.  We tried, but were never really in sync back then.

***To be fair, now that we are older, my sisters and I have awesome relationships, even though we all live in different states. *** 

If I had to describe my childhood in one word, it would be lonely.  My mom's idea of punishment, aside from actually grounding us, was the Silent Treatment.  To this day, I will scream bloody murder in your face if you ignore me.  I hated walking into the house when my mom was in a bad mood.  She will tell you that I have a mouth on me.  I have never been the type to let someone just say whatever they thought, especially if I thought differently.  Apparently I don't care who you are, either, because I will argue with my mom til I am blue in the face.  It has only taken me til now to realize I can scream, curse and yell my point but people will not hear what they don't want to hear.

My sisters will laugh and say that the theme for my life is ♫"One of these things does not belong"♫ I like to consider myself normal.  I have friends, I trust everyone until they give me a reason not to, I like to think I am friendly and somewhat outgoing and I believe that immediate and extended family are most important.  My mom and my sisters are more not that way.  They like each other and sometimes me, and that's about it.  Really, I'm not joking even a little.

I escaped the loneliness with friends and music.  I was constantly getting in trouble, and I couldn't tell you why.  I was not a rebellious kid.  No smoking, no staying out late, I can't lie to save my life and I generally just tried to stay under the radar and unnoticeable.  (I think that only worked on boys, haha) I am pretty sure my mom and I have different interpretations on the type of kid I was. I don't know why, and I think that is what hurts the most at this point in my life.

One survival mechanism I've noticed is that if someone feels that another person has done them wrong, they will cut that person out of their life.  I could never do that, or so I thought.

I started dating my hubby when I was 19.  When we decided to move in together, the Internet was available to us and we were able to look for jobs online and out of state.  For some reason we decided to move to PA.  My parents, not being the social types, weren't especially nice to my boyfriend.  But as soon as I said I was moving out with him they were his new best friend.  Who cared that it was in another state, right?  To be honest, we only lasted a year in PA.  When we got engaged (to which my moms' reaction was , "oh, you must be so happy.", really that's what a mother says to her daughter who just called with the most exciting news ever???) I got depressed being so far away from friends and family and planning the wedding in NY anyway.  So we moved back.  By the time we did though, my parents had already moved out of NY themselves.    I planned my wedding without them, we bought a house without them and I had my daughter without them around me.   They came to my wedding, I had my mom and dad give me away.  They came to see their first grandchild and I was able to show them the house we were buying.  That's about as close as we are to each other.

I don't know if because once I got friends and starting dating my mom felt I didn't need her or what, but she got that into her head once and has never tried to change that for us.  Ironically enough, all I ever wanted was for her to be proud of me and to act like a doting mom for just one moment.  She used to say that I put people on some type of pedestal that no one can live up to.  There was no pedestal, I just want her to act like my mom.  Like get excited and help me plan my wedding.  Jump for joy when I tell her that I am pregnant.  Come visit when my kids are born.  Be there on our big days.  When my son was born, I kept asking when they were gonna come visit.  By the time he was three months old and I realized they weren't coming I had had enough.  How do you not want to run to see your new grand baby?  How can you possibly find excuses to not travel as a grandparent?  I just don't get it and I was tired of being hurt and not feeling important.

I can't say for certain who stopped talking to whom first, but I do know that my heart was broken.  For three years my husband and kids became my center.  Then other relationships starting changing too.  That is when I realized maybe all I needed to focus on was my husband and children.  The extended family I created in my world was just that. An extension of a circle.  As long as me, the hubby, my daughter and son were happy and together my motto for everyone else was pretty much whoever wants to be in my world will be, if you don't then see ya around.  I am not begging anyone to love me.

It took three years, but my mom did finally decide she missed me and my children.  It was the greatest surprise of my life and the love I felt that day can never be taken away.  For one moment in time my mom hugged me like I mattered and what didn't matter was whatever we had been angry about.  It was in the past.  And its been great since then.

Til last week.  There was no strain on the relationship.  No one saw it coming.  Especially not me.

I will admit that I am a petty person.  Or maybe jealous is a better word?  It's my insecurity and I live with that cross to bear.  It is how I know I am not perfect, and as much as I say I don't care, I know that I do.  I know that when I get angry all those ugly thoughts come crashing around me.  However, I am sane enough to know that I may not be innocent, but I am not always in the wrong either.

It must be me.  I have the ability to make people walk away and not look back.  It makes me sad to fight with loved ones.  Maybe my mom was right.  I have expectations for everyone in my life and when they don't live up to them they fall off those pedestals.  If that is what I do to those I love, I hope to God I never do that to my children.  I will pray on my hand and knees that I never make them feel they have disappointed me in any way.  I will try like hell to not smother them but at the same time I will give them the best childhood I can and I will be by their side in all their critical moments.  When they pick a memory to look back on, I will be in those memories because I was there.  I make my vow now that my children and their children and so on and so forth will be loved, feel loved and know motherly love.

Family to me is the people in your life that no matter what are there for you and you are there for them when they need you, want you and include you.  Family to me is the man who has given me my children and works so hard to give us all that he can, the daughter who keeps me awe and takes my breathe away with how smart and kind she is; the son who make me laugh even when he is being a scutch; the sister who can count on me in times of need but would give me her last piece of bread if I needed it; the sister I am so proud of and carries a burden she doesn't think I appreciate.  Family to me are the ones who are happy to hear from me when I call, the ones who open their homes to me when I visit, the ones who are interested in what is going on in my life and want to tell me all about theirs.  Family means to me is love, trust and honesty.